"Let Me Wear You Out."

Ever have a song catch you off guard while you’re doing something else? I was doing some reading, and I had my “Indie Soul” playlist going when a song I love came on. I recognized it and smiled when it started, and then went back to reading. But it dragged me out of my book after about 4 minutes, when the final lyrics were moaned out by the fantastic Tunde Adebimpe (it was a TV on the Radio cut, of course).

Now you’re two hours away from the start of your day
And you can’t be late, so let’s get straight
Let me wear you out…let me wear you out…

The track is “Wear You Out.” It’s one of the hottest songs about desire ever recorded.

Ta-Nehisi had a great discussion going this week over at his spot, about the lyrics of another TVoTR song from their latest album Dear Science called “Lover’s Day.”

Adebimpe sings: “I want to love you all the way off, I want to break your back.”

From what I read, the disagreement amongst his commenters was over whether the lyric was an innocent expression of desire, or if there’s simply violence and domination inherent in sexuality, or if the violence is accepted because that’s the way men frequently express desire. Ta-Nehisi suggests that those of us interested in learning about how men process desire should listen to more TVoTR.

I did and do get disturbed by certain common phrases used to discuss hetero sex by a lot of the dudes I knew in college. There’s “beat it up” and “smash” and “cut” and “blow her back out” and many more that I’m sure I’m not remembering. And on one hand, those phrases contain the potentially thrilling expressions of strength and dominance that many women enjoy. But they don’t speak to the tenderness and submission that are just as often parts of sex. Without context, they appear to be about pure, unadulterated violence.

Now, for some reason, “wear you out” and “break your back” don’t irritate me the way “beat it up” and “smash” do. I don’t know exactly why. But I do know that, in many circles, saying “making love” would earn me a snicker, while any one of the former expressions would pass without comment.

I think I’m rambling now. I guess I could tie this to some grander point about gender and misogyny and sexual violence in the hip hop community, but I think I’ll quit while I’m ahead. I do think this might be something as simple as: men talk about sex more frequently and in more spaces than women do, so the terminology they use becomes normalized, for better or worse. And I wonder if it’s my responsibility, as a thinking woman who is firmly anti-misogynist, to call it out when I hear it.

Thoughts?

Latest posts by Shani (see all)

  • thinking of a name

    As an old married woman, I know I am showing my age, but these terms are just, in my opinion, hyper masculine juvenile. First, I don’t understand the need for group discussion on the topic. Second, if you look at the terms “break your back”, “beat it up” and so on they all speak in terms of destroying something as opposed to “making love” which speaks in terms of building something up.

    An additional comment on your statement that “break your back” and “wear you out” don’t bother you as much as “beat it up” and “smash” and “hit” and so on, I believe the reason this is so is because, although all of them are violent in nature, the first two terms speak to the person and because of that connote something that is mutual, or that someone has gotten permission. With the other terms “beat it up”, “smash”, “cut” and so on, these phrases speak directly to the sexual organ and connote something that is taken by force. If you take any one of these terms( beat it up, smash, hit) and try to replace it with her or you it literally becomes an act of physical violence.

  • GVG

    What G.D. said.

  • How are men allowed to express desire then? Is the only valid expression for him to say “Baby I want to make sweet passionate love to you” ?
    Raw desire isn’t cute – in men or women. Is it only that men express their desire in violent and dominating ways? Or is is that women don’t engage in that kind of discourse about what it feels like to want someone because we’re taught that we should maintain some modicum of hesitancy and at least act demure lest people think us “fast” and “loose”?

  • Imma make a song called “Let me massage your feet and do the taxes” and hopefully TV on the Radio will make a cover of it.

  • ladyfresshh

    I’m kinda upset i had friday off now, fantastic topic.

    I get more annoyed at those expressions. Yes there is the violent aspect but more it’s that they are trite. So much so that yes Winslow a ““Let me massage your feet and do the taxes” would actually be refreshing. Annoyed because i agree with thinking of a name (and maybe my age is showing as well) it sounds juvenile. frankly you (ok…’I’) reach a certain age and you (ok…’I’) hope for some creativity in sexual expression.

  • Big Word

    Terms like “beat it up”, “smash” aren’t the least bit offensive unless they’re intended to be. Now “superman that” is a whole nother story altogether.

  • Big Word

    It all depends on the intent, especially when we’re talking about a subject as personal as sexual relationships. A man telling a woman he wants to “blow her back out” can mean the same thing as “I want to make really passionate love to you”.

    To answer your question directly; No, I did not mean that and yes you did misinterpret.

  • quadmoniker

    I don’t really see “blowing backs out” and “smashing” as being in the same category as the much less violent-sounding and less implicitly-genderized “wear you out.” I think a woman could tell a man she wants to wear him out, and it doesn’t necessarily imply violence. But I agree. To the extent that it’s private dirty-talk, all of it’s fine. It’s when it enters the public sphere in an abstract way that it might become problematic.

  • GVG
  • Big Word

    We traded affection/ while I mess up her bang

    Wow. I’m offended. LOL!

  • Grump

    Man, where’s that Eddie Murphy “Raw” clip, when I need it….

  • Ron

    I hadn’t heard this. But it pretty much rocks.

    I’m not sure it’s as deep as you’re making it out to be. I get the sentiment, I guess. But on some level, parsing intentions seems a bit counterintuitive. I mean, what is he supposed to say “I fancy you and I’d like to make you some grape soda that I crush with my own feet?”

    He’s not talking about baking a cake, it’s passionate and fierce and…well you know. Intense.

  • Ron

    I hadn’t heard this. But it pretty much rocks.

    I’m not sure it’s as deep as you’re making it out to be. I get the sentiment, I guess. But on some level, parsing intentions seems a bit counterintuitive. I mean, what is he supposed to say “I fancy you and I’d like to make you some grape soda that I crush with my own feet?”

    He’s not talking about baking a cake, it’s passionate and fierce and…well you know. Intense.